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 Two Scoops: July 4, 2005 columns
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Drake Hogestyn
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For the Week of July 4, 2005
This past week, Philip and Shawn each pleaded their case, and left it up to Belle to judge. Rarely is anyone so clear, on television or in real life. And then Belle ruined it!
As we turn the hourglass over this week, Pamela is on vacation. Or is she? Did she board a plane only to find she'd been lured aboard the Titan jet? Or, more likely, did our intrepid columnist infiltrate the DiMera domain? Because young Mr. Bartleby could use a friend.

Stupid tennis. We finally had a good week, and then the Belle tolled.

I like Chelsea. She didn't want to go all the way, and fellating Max made him stop ridiculing her. It wasn't smart, but I'm proud of her for not giving in completely.

Song lyrics: "Why don't you do what you did when you did what you did to me." Maybe the show isn't allowed to use proper terminology. Over on AMC, they won't say "vasectomy," but "surgery." They've called sperm "swimmers" (ditto GH) and "baby makers." Both verbally and visually, however, rape is fine in daytime! That doesn't mean I wanted to see Chelsea on SkineMax, but that I find consensual sex (which this wasn't) more palatable than sexual assault.

In the '80s, sex was just a fade to black. If they didn't talk about it, I thought the unmarried characters weren't having sex. Gracious, was Shirley doing it with Carmine? Did she cover Boo Boo Kitty's eyes?

As they relax TV rules, they give us new details without historical context. Was there fellatio in the '50s, only they weren't allowed to tell us on Happy Days? Seinfeld told us, and Sex and the City and Queer as Folk (U.S.) showed us. Thanks, cable gods. A Denis Leary series revealed that cops on stakeout keep a urine jar in the back seat. Scrubs came through with the fact that women may defecate during childbirth. I feel more betrayed with each new detail. I would be different if I had known all this sooner.

Kids today have more and better access to information. Still, misconceptions exist, and rumors and ignorance abound. Claiming oral sex isn't sex is like pretending the rhythm method isn't birth control, when it's a "method" of...birth control. Do people still enjoy "technically" remaining virgins?

It would help to have the Bensons' take on this. It won't be fair when upstanding Jack and Jennifer get involved and Chelsea's parents don't get equal billing. Maybe Billie can blunder her way through explaining condoms to Chelsea, providing Billie's even heard of them. Chelsea needs someone like Samantha Jones, the best friend a woman could have, a slut who advocates protection and doesn't judge.

My theory is that the fellatio was presented that way so we'd see it as Abby (outraged), Chelsea (empathetic), or Max (shrugging). It's too early to know where this storyline is headed, if anywhere. They left us hanging with a net.

This Chelsea looks too young to be hell-bent on pursuing Patrick (or, shudder, Frankie). It took me a while to stop thinking of the fake French accent she used as the Georgia whom Bo and Billie wanted to kidnap.

Max is so obnoxious. He was all, enough about mom being dead, let's get back to me me me! His dad is all alone, but Max decided to go for burgers n' babes. Why does this pinup use coercion?

Chelsea's eye was still purple. Do black eyes go green like other bruises? And Max didn't even ask! Like she wasn't worthy of a "Say, hey, kid, that's some shiner. Wanna be a big girl in the Macksmobile?" Now we know how he scores without a back seat.

I'm grateful they got right to Belle's conundrum on a Monday, and didn't have her decide over the weekend.

I don't fault Shawn for going to Germany and forcing Belle's hand. He knew she wouldn't do it on her own. At least Shawn wasn't happy to be the other "man." But they should have told him his marriage was never real. Shawn's mistake was leaving Belle out of it.

Philip: "I'll let you go...Because it'll be a lot harder to be married to someone who loves someone else." So, there was no need for all the hand-wringing and endless torment about Philip's fragile psyche? That's what WE'VE been typing for months!

Why is he obsessed with the word "wife"? He even called her "Mrs. Kiriakis." See, he has to remind her! He can't cry, and pronounces "honey" and "sweetheart" like they're foreign words you told him to say, and he's worried he might be insulting his mom. Or another man's wife.

Philip called Shawn on not caring if Philip lived, and Shawn called Philip on his half-legged manipulation. They pleaded their cases, clearly stated the choice, and left it up to Belle to judge. Rarely is anyone so clear, on television or in real life. And then Belle ruined it!

Belle took vows with Philip, then made promises to Shawn. The longer Belle strings them along, the worse it will be when she changes her mind. Again. She plans to play the dutiful wife until...when? Until Philip learns to use a prosthesis and is happy? Until he re-enlists and she's sure that now, yes, NOW, he's strong enough to accept that she "loved" Shawn THE WHOLE TIME?

The Kate Chronicles -- Philip: "Mom, you're not helping things." Did I hear angels singing? Say it again, Philip, only give it time to sink in. In Salem, you've got nothing but time. Use that time to shave fully. The beard was there for his first speech, gone for Belle's decision, and back for Heather Mills McCartney.

I didn't recognize her, and hoped she was someone with whom Philip would cheat. Come back, HMM; I like your accent and you literally brought new blood to Salem! Philip: "You look completely normal." Philip is officially an ass. I am sickened at the thought that they appropriated her particular amputation for him.



I couldn't listen to the PSA. Real people who've lost limbs in minefields weren't talking to their faithless wives over satellite phones!

John: "I'm sorry, Kate; I agree with Shawn." That didn't last long. But it's easy for John to beat up on Shawn. "She dumped your ass, didn't she?" Way harsh, O Raiser of Yon Eyebrows. But John had a howler: "Don't you dare underestimate my daughter's intelligence and strength." That's not possible, John. "Interfere in my daughter's life and you'll answer to me, kid." What about Kate? (But I still want to like you and you'll always be Roman to me.)

I could have done without Bo and Hope. I just don't like them. Except when Hope stands up to Bo, and that awesome time she punched Billie. So corn chips are (the SORASed?) Zack's favorite? I bet Doug and Julie had to tell her. Bo is some jerk for spending that time with his son planning to leave him. Again.
Hope: "Philip started moving in on her."
Bo: "Whoa, let's get the facts straight here. Shawn left Belle."
Yes, Bo, and then...what Hope said.
Bo: "They said their vows before God. Shawn really oughta respect that."
I'm sure he'd love to; I guess he takes after his dad.

Pretty Brady shed a tear. Some of you probably laughed in his face. But for some of us, it erased the time he spent shaming Victor by believing Nicole. All the opening doors and saying "Oh, my God"? Gone. Brady slicked his hair back after deciding to get tough with Nicole. I followed his hairstyle, hoping the floppier it became, the closer he was to finding Miss Lane. It worked.

I don't like the b-word, but I was relieved when Brady called Nicole "lying, conniving, manipulative." Since when does Nicole cry and do as she's told? You may think Brady's a hypocrite, but he's just choosing Chloe, unconditionally, over Nicole. I mean, his fear is that she doesn't love him, not that she's a "lying, conniving" idiot. He may be more mature than I am; I would have run around her in order to see her face. With that get-up, she looked like a nun. How do you solve a problem like some scarring? I love that her mascara leaked onto her bandage!

Mimi looked so grown up in her court date suit! What's with the fainting? She thought she'd get LIFE. She should have worked the sentence into her plea bargain. She'll probably be up for parole in 5 or 10 years. I felt for Patrick when he overheard Mimi's sentence. Is Frankie going to appeal it? Patrick looked worried when Frankie mentioned his work. Actually, he looked like a garbage truck had driven past him on an especially humid day.

Frankie looks good, y'all. The haircut gives him a boyish quality. The best thing about soaps is footage flashbacks. Thanks, Days, for reminding us why Billy Warlock was destined for lifeguard duty. As GH's AJ, he was killed off just after I had grown to like him. I wanted Sonny to pay for the meat freezer torture, and for AJ to get at least visitation with Michael. Perhaps because AJ's life was undeservedly miserable, I have no trouble seeing him as happy Frankie.

Frankie is worried about Max, and it sounded as if Max has gotten into trouble involving the word "underage," if not "statutory." That exchange reminded me of Y&R's Kevin/Lily storyline. Maybe lawyer Frankie kept Max on the street and doesn't want his brother to make him regret it.

The best part of the week was the Dashing Deveraux. Raise your hand if you wanted to Kiss the Cook. Put your hand down if you thought that referred to Jason. Philip helped one guy, Horton, who inexplicably is no relation to the founding family. Jack saved everyone in the freaking castle, without being stupid. Where's his celebrity visit?

Jack and Jennifer are so cute together, as are Matthew Ashford and Melissa Reeves (to each other, Matt and Missy). They were on Soap Talk on Wednesday 6/22. I don't know if it was a rerun, but it was fairly recent, because when asked about the fake reunion, Melissa leaned her head on Matthew's shoulder in apology and sympathy. Awww! They played a game called "Who Knows Their Co-Star Best?" They had written their answers on cards, and I found one particularly prescient.

Q: "What would Matt say is his favorite thing to whine about?"

Melissa's card: "When a story point doesn't make sense." She said, "He gets a little persnickety about that."

Matthew's card: ":( That the storylines :( don't take advantage of the wonderful human moments they present us with!"

Like many of you, Jennifer only has eyes (et cetera) for Jack. She adorably said, "In a journalist way, you are very buff." It was almost "bufff." And she was very protective of Jack's feelings regarding his burgers.

I loved Jack's speech about Patrick, especially "I hate that he's been here, taking my place." And here, I thought he only hated Patrick because he suspects him of being a DiMera lackey. Interestingly, Jack doesn't see Frankie as a threat. Jack had accepted his pending death and seemed surprised when Abby said she couldn't imagine her mom with anyone else. It seemed to be the first time he realized, despite Patrick's tenure, that after he dies, Jennifer might be with someone else. I think he may now fight to live, instead of bravely facing the end. For the nth time.

Maybe Jack doesn't know, but Jennifer and Abby especially hated not being able to say goodbye the two(?) times he died. With no one taking Marlena's advice, perhaps she will be forced to LEAD BY EXAMPLE.

Reader Feedback: Last week's emails went to Pamela. If you haven't heard back, or were hoping to see your thoughts posted here, don't feel neglected. Pamela is too nice to forget you. I'm featuring items from SOC's Days Board, but if you send email this week, I should receive it. I'm looking forward to your responses! You can, of course, still write to Pamela. If you address your email to her, I'll forward it.

TxFan: "Abby is 17 & Chels[e]a is 18. Max is around 20."

[Is Chelsea 18? I thought she lied to Max, who needs to start carding groupies. Weren't the girls 15 the other day? No one said her diploma was repossessed, too. Why aren't they talking about her Future or at least trying to get her a job and an apartment? For that matter, what happened to Billie's trouble with the Law? Was she staying at Sami's, or did Lucas say no? Because Sami's back there now. Maybe she's wherever Patrick went. Since Max mentioned not drinking, I wondered if he's 18, 21, or 25.]

TaLuvsDMB: "Also, I don't understand why they are pairing her with someone who in some weird reality is her uncle, even if adoptive. That's Salem for ya. I think Max & Abby could be a good mirror for Frankie/Jen's high school days."

[We usually blame the girl, and I will hate it if Chelsea is shunned as a slut while Max becomes worthy of Abby.] Aliaron: "I know they say a lot of teens are doing the oral thing (that's what *they*

say ["rolling eyes" icon]) so if they are going that route with Max and Chelsea, I suggest a storyline more than we did it... big deal. I knew a couple of folks, boys and girls, who got what we termed was the *nasty mouth* diseases from it. Because apparently they were enjoying their activities with people they didn't know well and some didn't use protection. I think that would be a decent storyline for these teens. Show that everything has it's risk. That would be something new in daytime for sure."

[One of the shows did an STD story back when they called it VD. In the aforementioned Y&R caution tale, 25-year-old sex offender Kevin lured 14- or 15-year-old virgin Lily over the Internet. I'm not sure if they dated, but they had sex, and he gave her chlamydia. That'll put you off your cauliflower. Someone on the show mentioned it recently, using the word "chlamydia," and I wonder why that's allowed half an hour earlier than Days. It's reactionary CBS, too! I didn't watch back then, but now Kevin is reformed and sweet.]

killacam: "I actually like this story because I just graduated High School and I have seen and experienced this. I don't find it gross because people do it everyday. I think if the writers play it right it could be the only realistic story Days has now. I think they should make her have syphilis to teach teen girls who watch not to do it. This story is appealing for me maybe because I am a teen, I happen to like all of JER's teens stories (the new teens - Abby, Chelsea, Max.) I hated Belle and the gang they were sooooo LAME."

Wayne: ."..there are still some things that polite society simply does not discuss openly. It is, in fact, the fault of bad parenting which is causing this issue."

sunter: "I don't think that Shawn and Belle should have sprung it on Philip that [they] are still in love while he is recovering [in] the hospital. Belle should help Philip get better and then tell him she loves Shawn."

[Philip will be mortified to learn that she faked her way through his rehabilitation. Trying to get him better in order to leave him is worse than trying to bring him home for the same purpose.]

fsosmom: "Just my opinion, but Philip is nowhere near as innocent and clueless as some of you like to believe! He KNOWS Belle still loves Shawn, he has always known that. He KNEW she still had feelings for him when they got together, and continued to push Belle into a relationship with him anyway. He KNEW she was unsure of things, but again, still pressed on. He knows NOW that she still loves Shawn, otherwise why would he be so threatened? Why would he feel the need to tell her 16 times per scene how, "she is the only reason he has to live" and "he could never get through this without her," and "nothing will ever take her away from him again" I mean, COME ON. I'm sorry but yes he IS trying to make her feel guilty, because he knows without her feeling guilty, he has nothing."

[I hope you're right. I can live with Phelle if Belle would make it clear she's over Shawn or if Philip is evil. He did say, "I'm a Marine; I'm trained to control every situation." Better still would be "I'm a Kiriakis..."]

HarryWahoo: "Abe was first to begin going blind and was also the first to be "killed" nearly 2 years ago. Now Jack has some mysterious fatal disease. Wasn't Jack the 2nd "victim" of the Sal[e]m Killer? Are we going to see all the "victims" get sick of mystery diseases in the order they were 'killed'?"

every islander will wind up with some kind of "ailment", and I know many people are speculating that Marlena's "pregnancy" isn't really a pregnancy at all - merely another DiMera "fake-out", if you will.

[This blew me away! I hope it's true, especially about the pregnancy. Doing it in order reminds me of The Usual Suspects, where the men die in the order in which Mr. Kobayashi gave them their envelopes. Didn't Abe describe himself as "half a man"? It should really be one-third of a man, if he still has his intellectual and emotional components. Anyway, Philip said the same thing. They could have given Jack's disease a fictional name. "Rare blood disorder" is clunky. Hemophoenixia. See how easy that was?]

Patty326BW: "as far as i know matt is not leaving it is just to add drama to the s/l

i think patrick will end up dead probably by tony-(what a shocker) and jack will be accused and jenn will ask Frankie to defend him" [Hm! Jack did lean toward homicide, knowing he has nothing to lose.]

Now, imagine if Mr. Ashford had once used the stage name Matty Matt. Because below is my favorite comment, and I'll give the poster the last word. I'll meet you back here next week. Don't forget the piccalilli relish.

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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