As you sit down for Thanksgiving dinner, be thankful you don't live in a wacky town like Oakdale. That's just one of the blessings you should be counting this year. Here are a few others to get you started:
--Your bar tab is smaller than Henry Coleman's.
--You didn't have to cough up a kidney to convince the person you love to marry you. (Love hurts, eh Keith?)
--Security at your local hospital is better than at Oakdale Memorial, where babies and blood tests are easily switched, and doctors go to their offices and never emerge. (Where are you John Dixon and Ben Harris?)
--Your mother isn't Iris Dumbrowski.
--Your name isn't Iris Dumbrowski.
--Your hair doesn't grow as fast as Paul Ryan's.
--Your stepmother didn't divorce your father to marry your brother. (Poor Will.)
--After all these years, "As The World Turns" is still entertaining us with fantastic stories of family drama, rather than witches, clones and fake islands.
--Death is no laughing matter, unless you're Iris Dumbrowski and her boyfriend. I couldn't help but chuckle at the one-liners flying, as Iris and Stan discussed how Will poisoned Rose with mouthwash. "She gargled herself to death," Iris deadpanned. "At least she died with minty breath," Stan added. Priceless.
--Is anyone else having trouble hearing Dusty? That super-sexy voice is so soft-spoken at times, I can't hear a word he's uttering. I'm wearing out my rewind button trying to decipher his dialogue.
--White trash met couture, when Iris and Barbara got together to meddle in their children's lives this week. Delicious. Those two weren't the only meddling mothers in town. Emma warned Dusty about hurting her daughter, Meg. And Susan couldn't resist butting into Hal and Emily's divorce. Bravo to these ladies for meddling, as many soap moms send their kids to the kitchen for cookies and never talk about them, or with them, ever again.
--Thank you, thank you, thank you, to whomever keeps bringing Cass Winthrop back to Oakdale. I'm sure Santa will be extra kind to you this year. That said, how is Iris affording the services of my favorite attorney? And more importantly, can she keep him on retainer?
--Where do I sign up to be a member of the "Emily-is-ruining-her-life-club," that she mentioned to Susan and Hal? First order of business on the club agenda would be to get her as far away from Paul as possible.
--Drama-queen Maddie (love her) has done the impossible. She's actually made me (gulp) like that cad Casey. Maddie seems to be the only one of Henry's family/friends (i.e. Mike, Katie, Jack) who is using some common sense with BJ. And Casey is actually helping her. Good for him.
--I'm impressed that Iris' friend, Stan, could even find the library, let alone use the computer there for research.
--Katie is in my doghouse this week. Her lack of concern for Henry is hard to understand, considering all that Henry has done for her through the years. Yes, he conned her in the past and got a thumbs down from me for his role in the BJ Halloween mess, but, he also got committed to the psych-ward for Katie and his risked his life time and again to save her, including being left on a deserted island for months. At least laser-light Katie is nice to the martini man.
--I'll spare you my weekly "I-miss-Craig-Montgomery" rant and just say this: Craig returning to Oakdale is the only thing on my Christmas list.
--From the mail in my mailbox, you want the baby storyline to end now. I agree that Jen needs to get that kid back, soon, but I'm not sure I'm ready to see Dusty playing dad.
--Henry's kidnapping is great for dramatic plot development. It's given Casey and Maddie something to do and should be giving Jack, Katie and Mike something to do, too. That said, I'm having a little trouble believing that the 6-foot Henry wouldn't just smash a bottle over little BJ's head and make a break for it. I know Henry has never been the poster boy for masculinity, but I think it's time that side of him emerged. If he's ever going to become a true leading man, he's going to have to use those muscles for something other than lifting a martini glass.
--Poor Will. That kid has no chance. Is there anyway he's not going to get blamed for this poison mess? Iris is nuttier than I thought to risk ingesting poison, just to get Will away from Gwen. And Paul and Barbara probably won't believe him or will go along with Iris just to end his relationship with Gwen. I'm suddenly feeling the need to pass out those "I Will" t-shirts I mentioned in my last column.
--Meg called it this week when she labeled Paul a bully. This character has changed so much in the last few years, I hardly recognize him. He's gone from a flawed hero to an unsympathetic villain.
--What is going on with Dusty's flip-flopping? He elevates Meg to girlfriend status one minute, and then makes a play for Jennifer in the elevator the next. This whole triangle has left none of these characters for the better. Meg lied to Jen and Dusty about the paternity results. Dusty is lying to Meg about his feelings. And Jen is lying to herself that she's over Dusty. Will any of these characters be redeemable after this?
Best Lines of the Week:
(Olga finds a kidnapped Henry incarcerated in the wine cellar.)
Olga: "Why you make so much noise?"
Henry: "Because I'm trapped in a wine cellar without a cork screw."
(Later, Henry tries to convince BJ to release him.)
Henry: "If my barstool at The Lakeview goes empty for more than a couple days, then people will start to notice."
((Paul checks in for the fashion show and is supposed to sit with his meddling mother, Barbara.)
Paul: "Hi. I'm Paul Ryan. I'm not sure where I'm sitting."
Organizer: "Table two. Will Miss Ryan be joining you?"
(Will intercepts a package delivery for Iris, a chronic drinker.)
Iris: "That's mine. Give it here."
Will: "What's in there, a new flask?"
(BJ tells Maddie he sent Henry to California to bid on a computer chip.)
Maddie: "Henry doesn't know a computer chip from a potato chip." Reader Spotlight:
(From Two Scoops reader Shanna.)
"Why can't they bring back Damian to be a "match" for Luke? I have been watching this show for... well, since I was in diapers. And this was an unbelievably predictable, and not very interesting, way to address Luke's illness. But, bringing back the supposedly (but not really) dead father and all the drama that would include would be classic and interesting soap storyline. Damian cut all ties and faked his death to protect Luke. He has been "hiding" from his evil family and business ties. But, Luke's life is now in more danger than when he was around. Let's make this really interesting and not so predictable. Paolo, where are you when we so desperately need you?"
(From Two Scoops reader Katie.)
"You crack me up! Sign me up for one of those 'I Will' t-shirts."
(From Two Scoops reader Jo.)
"How can ATWT possibly think the viewing audience is interested in Keith? He never shaves, doesn't have a legit job and has no redeeming qualities that I can see. Please put Lily and Holden back in to their marriage."
(From Two Scoops reader Erin.)
"I enjoyed reading your column. I wanted to comment on your Meg/Dusty section. I agree they have chemistry, but I think Grayson has chemistry with everyone. I never found these two to be rootable, nor do I think they were intended to be. Meg jumped right into bed with Dusty; he was never interested in more than that with her, and she chased him (desperately and pathetically) from day one. I think the writers always intended for her to be a Jen/Dusty interloper and never a serious contender in the triangle. This is fine by me. I love Jen/Dusty. I'm a sucker for love stories that start slow, for men who do things like Dusty believing in Jen about the baby. I like their respect, trust, and friendship and can't wait for Meg to get caught and out of the way."
That's all for now Scoopers! See ya next time. Happy Thanksgiving!